#i cant do this anymore im ab to burst into tears

[tirasamu]

sniffling trembling snot running down my face

[antiendovents]

// vent, medical ableism

tldr; my fucking DOCTOR is pro-endo and her source is a dumbass paper that proves nothing and now my healthcare is at risk!!

just had my appointment with my gender wellness doctor. she asked how i've been and i mentioned finding a 2nd therapist for specific stuff. she asked what and i said dissociative disorders. i wanted to be vague but she pressed me to talk about it and reluctantly i talked about having alters and answered her questions bc i struggle with saying no.

i told her i was ok with doing an adverse childhood experiences scale but that i had stuff i wanted to talk about (like my hrt not being at the pharmacy for months) she said "we'll get to it".

after the assessment she asked abt it causing distress and she was talking about how in the office they use the term "plural identities" i said that was fine but that its still a disorder. she was like "disorder is negative" and compared it to how it used to be called gender identity disorder (comparing the two as if she has any place to talk on it, being cis and a singlet) but its better to use "plural identities"

i was like "thats fine as long as its still seen as a disorder and caused by trauma" and she was like "no its not always caused by trauma" and i straight up said "do you have a source for that?" and she was like "google my husbands name" and i did and THEN she moved on to my actual issues with struggling to get hrt for months.

the whole time after i had to mask how i was feeling so i could get basic healthcare. after she hung up i burst into tears. its been like 10 min and im still crying and feel sick. ive had doctors say they dont know what DID/OSDD-1 is before. ive had them say DID is a personality disorder. ive never had anything like this before and i feel unsafe. the fucking endo community IS affecting healthcare. i dont feel like i can ever talk to a doctor about this stuff again. she completely talked over me and then moved on like it was nothing

btw this is the stupid study her husband worked on. read it and its not even PROVING ANY OF WHAT SHE SAID. its just "oh well some people THINK theyre plural and of course disordered people have to be miserable so if you like ur alters they must be magically there!" and was from the plural association. its fucking disgusting this is being used as fact when theres nothing but subjective opinion.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S246874992300042X

i genuinely think im going to go to planned parenthood from now on. i cant work with her anymore. its been 2? maybe more years of working with her but im done. im sorry to ramble so much. im still having a breakdown over this.

-arachnid anon

im really sorry about that arachnid anon. That sucks and if you can we hope you manage to get a new doctor because she is clearly causing you distress. This really sucks, I feel like endos don't always realise how dangerous this stuff can be for actual systems. If doctors don't see it as a disorder then they won't treat it as such, meaning you won't get the help you need and you won't feel safe with her (as you said), which like,, isn't good. She's not a specialist meaning if anything she shouldn't really be saying stuff about DID/OSDD at all, because that's not her job or her place ((I understand you brought it up, but still. She should keep her opinions out of her damn job))

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Bamn! And the kid is 4

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  Izuku gets hits by a de-aging quirk and it turns out hes always been super cute.

izuku gets hit w a de-aging quirk back to like,, age 5-8

angst + fluff + dads happens

izuku, iida, bakugo, kiri and all might are getting groceries

not a great team for shopping but its like, just post internship pre cultural festival so its no a disaster

all might is there to make sure they dont do something stupid or get lost. he was kinda hesitant to go with them because he cant protect them anymore but they are little heroes! so they should be ok, right?

w r o n g

the villain attacks katsuki just outside the store, the only one of them that doesnt have a licence, izuku takes a hit for him and he and iida quickly take the villain down while kiri protects the bystanders

then izuku collapses and bakugo is ready to yell because if izuku takes one more hit for someone hes going to be the hit

all might runs over because even though its still dangerous he has a hero license (bc it hasnt been cancled yet because no one wanted to be the person to do it) and thats his s o n. iida is calling the people he should be calling

all might finds just, this tiny tiny green freckly mess in izuku's oversize clothing and he wants to cuss up a storm because FUCk hes liKe 6

bakugo runs over because all might looks like hes going to cry and hes not ready for that today and he sees this horrifically familiar face. he he does swear.

izuku looks so lost but he sees bakugo and he lights up!!

"kacchan!! youre so tall wow!!! so coool!!!"

and bakugo is going to scream bc f u c k hes so annoying and adorable. bakugo tells izuku that he is normally his age but got hit with a quirk that made him small and hes!! so excited!!

hes rambling about how cool the quirk is and wondering how long it lasts and how it works and allmight is just shell shocked still

"young bakugo, should we tell his mother?"

",,, inko is in america chasing down her husband to divorce him. i dont think she needs this shit right now"

"understandable"

kiri comes over bc whats happening? and he shrieks a little and hugs izuku

izuku is very lost but hes giggling bc kacchan's cool friend likes him, so maybe kacchan likes him now! bakugo is like "fuck why do i feel emotions thats wack"

so iida, having just reported what happened and now on the phone to aizawa walks over to tell aizawa everyones status. he and sees izuku and goes dead silent

"iida?? iida whats wrong?"

",,, hes,,, so s m a l l "

"wAiT WhAt"

"like,,, shrunk?????????"

"no sensei like,,, hes 5"

just a loud "F UUCK" as aizawa hangs up to run over

ok but they are all awkwardly buying the food bc they really need to get food, tiny izuku or no

and so izuku is with bakugo and allmight while the others do the worlds fastest grocery run

and izuku asks all might "mr? is your quirk being really tall? because thats super cool if it is!!" and bakugo is dying because what the fuck does all might say to that

"no my boy, im actually quirkless!"

"oh,, sorry sir"

"why are you sorry?"

"i dont know, but thats what everyone says to me when i tell them so i think its bad?"

and he just mumbles

"kacchan said i could play with him again if i got my quirk but i never did. do i get my quirk now? is that why we have cool friends??!"

and bakugo is going to cry bc all might looks so sad and he cant deal with that

so iida and kiri have bought all the crap and they are waiting out from with this tiny bubbly kid who they have to hold hands with or he Will run off to go look at stuff

aizawa shows up in the school car (,,, driven by mic because he cant fucking drive) and izuku is like OH HI

and aizawa is like ",,, hello?"

and izuku sees mic too and he thinks for a few seconds

"are,,, you two the new heroes that just started? from that really cool sports festival!!! i heard you from my preschool!!"

and bakugo is cackling be he fucking remembers that

and aizawa is red and nods and mic is like TINY CHILD WHO ARE YOU because aizawa didnt tell him what was going on

izuku is like "hi im midoriya izuku! please call me izuku!!" and mic is crying bc??? baby boy??

so they get an update ab the villain, apparently the quirk lasts for 2 weeks and allmight is caught between happy bc Tiny and sad bc My Boy??? he says how long it lasts and katsuki groans loudly

"bakugo?"

'AUntIEs iN aMEricA For 3 WeEKs"

"shit"

in the car all might has to hold him because aizawa didnt think this through and there isnt a child seat, so izuku is playing with all mights fringe because its long enough to be in his face and allmight is cry bc its his boy!!!!

they are up front because iida and katsuki need to talk to aizawa about whatever is going down with izuku. kiri is just there for moral support honestly, he is still pretty lost

izuku is asking present mic all these questions about his quirk ands all might is legitimately impressed at the control mic has because h looks like hes 30 seconds from bursting into a screech of joy at this tiny boy but his voice is just a little louder than normal

mic is singing a song in english

and izuku says "thats a rude song! my mum said so!" in perfectly understandable English and katsuki l a u gh hs

"I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO SLIP UP HAHA"

and mic, cackling bc hes worked it out had to pull over for a sec

all might is red because hes been swearing in english the whole time oops

aizawa is like "Um????? whats happening"

katsuki, through tears : this little shit has known english his whole life but he didnt want more english homework so he just pretended he didnt through middle school and forgot to admit he could when we started UA

izuku looks lost bc what did he do?? mic is saying sorry to this tiny child for singing a rude song, iida is ab to have a stroke

mic and izuku chat about mics quirk in english happily and they pull up to ua and izuku is like wAIT WHAT. bakugo is cringing bc howwww do they explain this

present mic and aizawa, 0 clue what going on "its UA. you go to school here."

"oh, did i get into gen ed? is that why kacchan is my friend again?!!"

"youre in the hero course with me, brat"

and izuku looks upset and aizawa is lost because what kid cries when they are told they get to be a hero

"dont be mean, its rude to lie"

"why would i lie?"

when izuku says hes quirkless bakugo and all might look like someone kicked them

aizawa is like "wait,, quirkless?" and izuku looks at him confused because evryone knows izuku is quirkless

"yeah,, i have the toe thing-y."

and the kids face crumples

"does this mean i cant go into UA now??"

mic picks up the kid before he can start to cry and says "of course not! i bet youd be a great hero, quirk or not!!"

aizawa and mic are giving all might and Bakugo a Look because they look so sheepish

kiri and iida are lost because izuku Very Much has a quirk, it explodes him

all might all but pushes everyone through the gate and aizawa and mic are just staring at him because they Know hes not spilling something

anyway, eri comes to visit!! bc izuku is small!!

she calls him deku and izuku looks sad bc kacchan only calls him deku when hes mad at him and izuku just whispers "you can call me izuku please?" and eri is like "YES IZUKU HI IM ERI HELLO"

izuku is very happy

hes still like, wearing a shirt dress basically so aizawa gets momo, who has a little quiet "HES SO SMALLL" scream in the cupboard, then pops out to make him a onesie. izuku asking if it can be allmight and momo is like “OF COURSE IT CAN YOU LITTLE MUNCHKIN ID DIE FOR YOU”

izuku gets this massive fuzzy onesie and hes like !!!” yourequirkissocoolallmightiloveitsoftthaNKYOU”

momo just hugs him because hes so tiny and cute oh my lord

eri and izuku play heroes!! eri is lemillion and izuku is all might and they are defeating the great villain Kirishima

kiri wasnt warned he was the villain. he just has these kids yeeting on to him and hes so lost

all might and bakugo are trying to make a child sized dinner. they are working together bc if they pretend they are doing something important maybe aizawa wont kill them

aizawa is just,,, glaring at them. he hasnt moved from the corner of the kitchen. bakugo is getting nervous, all might is trying not to spit blood into the food

its like, 4pm? and izuku and eri are sleepy but they are Big Kids so they dont need to nap. all might and bakugo are trying to finish the food before they fall asleep bc god damn it they worked for this

aizawa is trying not to smile but they are so goddamn cute. izuku is cheering because they made katsudon

"kacchan how did you know this was my favourite!! youre so coooolllL!!!!"

bakugo, suddenly feeling crushing guilt: yeah,, im,,, awesome

aizawa is like, walking slowly towards all might and hes scrambling to think of something to spare him from his wrath

bakugo : OH YAGI WERENT YOU ALL MIGHTS SECRATARY

izuku, crying: OH MY GOD

yagi, crying also : thankyou bakugo i owe you my life

izuku is asking so many questions aizawa has to remind him to breathe

please tiny izuku is very fond of aizawa but no one has any idea why bc the dude is scary

"eraserhead sir, when can i see my mum?"

aizawa, suddenly wishing he had kurogiri's quirk: ",,,,you seee"

ok but like, just for a little pain

"it'll be like a sleep over, ok kid?"

"you really want me to stay? most kids wont let me even play for a little while, so no one sleeps over. i can stay home without my mum if you want! i dont wanna bug you,,,"

aizawa, feeling a rush of fondness for this terrible child "no its ok, stay here. youre a good kid"

baby izuku clumsily braiding aizawas hair bc his mum taught him

consider: baby izuku and shinso

baby izuku is on a need to know basis bc there is a traitor somewhere. shinso is just minding his own business and runs into a giggling curly boy

and hes like ",,, who are you???"

"im izuku!!!"

shinso just looking at him and groans

"of course its you. its always you"

he picks up izuku and takes him to aiawa. izuku is patting his hair happily

"i found the gremlin"

"hi eraserhead!!!"

"thank god

izuku makes him help with his hero notes because he doesnt know kanji yet. izuku is just telling him what to do while shinso does as hes told, trying not to smile

[himenation]

💖 BTS LOVE YOURSELF WORLDTOUR IN AMSTERDAM (ZIGGO) 131018 💖

PRECONCERT

I finally managed to get tickets, but I already bought expensive tickets on stubhub I had to sell at the venue on Saturday ;;; But first I had to go to Korean School, but I had a fever and was feeling so sick (I still am...) When we arrived at the venue, it was SO CROWDY?????!!!!! there were a lot of fans and the weather was so hot too wow :o Anyways I still managed to sell my tickets and made two armys really happy <3 

In the venue I was by myself and made a new friend and we talked so much! They were playing MVs and I couldn't wait any longer ;; My view for the stage was amazing too! I could see everything really well and I`was pretty close too :D

I posted fancams and fanpics on my twitter  

SETLIST (2,5 hr) 1. IDOL 2. SAVE ME 3. IM FINE 4. MAGIC SHOP 5. JUST DANCE (JHOPE) 6. EUPHORIA (JUNGKOOK) 7. I NEED U 8. RUN 9. SERENDIPITY (JIMIN) 10. LOVE (NAMJOON) 11. DNA 12. MEDLEY - BOYS WITH FUN 13. MEDLEY - ATTACK ON BANGTAN 14. MEDLEY - FIRE 15. MEDLEY - BAEPSAE 16. MEDLEY - DOPE 17. AIRPLANE PT 2 18. SINGULARITY (TAEHYUNG) 19. FAKE LOVE (ROCK VERSION) 20. SEESAW (YOONGI) 21. EPIPHANY (JIN) 22. THE TRUTH UNTOLD 23. TEAR 24. MIC DROP 25. SO WHAT 26. ANPANMAN 27. LOVE MYSELF

Note: I didn't film everything, I was only holding my phone at some songs at some parts, Idk how I remember everything so clearly, but they mean so much to me so probably my mind wanted to remember everything ;;

CONCERT They started Idol with lots of fireworks, am I really seeing bangtan? I couldn't believe my eyes AT ALL. The fan chants were amazing too, in my fancams Im screaming a lot AHAHHA but oh my god..... I still cant believe I saw bangtan!!! I also wanted to say they talked Dutch a lot (Namjoon: Aangenaam Kennis te maken, Jungkook: Geniet van de Show and I cant remember what the others said). And then they did the Save me + im fine and really save me and im NOT fine. it was so good SKFJKSDJFS Im fine is one of my favourite songs of ANSWER and I JUST SAW IT LIVE TOO?! And next up was Magic Shop, which is such a beautiful song. Especially singing ‘’I show you’’ to bangtan made me really teary and the precious VMIN moments too <3 I also want to say I've never seen any live performances (except the old songs, medley, mic drop, anpanman, im fine and idol)! Now Jhope and Jungkook were about to have their solo, and the dance moves in just dance of JHOPE. I need.... air, he is so good ;;;; Jungkook was still hurt and was doing Euphoria while sitting (he also did lots of choreos on the chair). And he had such a beautiful smile at the ‘high note parts’ it made me so weak and soft ;u; And I expected this song, but then I didn't expect it either, but this was another version of I NEED U and they were all wearing white and lowkey were looking like the most beautiful angels and human beings ive ever seen ;; We had to rap yoongis part too! and tHEN SJSKFJKSJ RUN RUN!!!! RUNN CAME!!!! IM SOBBING, I LOVE RUN SO MUCH?!!!! And now Serendipity was next :’) this was the most cutest, adorable, yet beautiful and so jimin performance I have EVER SEEN. He was playing with bubbles, doing a smooth choreo and smiling/giggling a lot, but the heartbeat he did? My heartbeat was total flat line at that POINT because that was TOOO MUCH JIMINess. Next up was our president: Kim Namjoon, he had so much fun performing and I did the fan chants so loudly ;; DNAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! I know I say I dont like DNA a lot, but the moment I heard the flute I screamed the fan chants so loudly and since ive been screaming for more than an hour too: I was losing my voice. BUT FIRST OF ALL, IS KING TAEHYUNG LOOKING AT JHOPE WHILE DANCING (INSTEAD OF THEIR BACKS ON EACHOTHER), THEN HE IS HOLDING JUNGKOOK WHILE SINGING? EXCUSE ME SIR.

JIMIN BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION So during this MC, the screen behind turned into a Jimin screen and it said In dutch ‘’My Angel and my world’’ and jimin is indeed our angel and our world! he was so happy and started running towards the main stage (they were on the extended stage) and he went on his knees and said things like thank you!!! I love you!! and this is my best birthday and wont forget it either!! (things like that) and the member started running (EVEN INJURED JUNGKOOK!) towards him too and hugging him ;; We all sang happy birthday to him!

Medley and then the amazing medley! they started with Boys with Fun (taehyung didn't choreo his dance :( ) but it was nevertheless really amazing! Jungkook was doing lots of choreos on the chair during this medley! During Attack on Bangtan; Jimin was sitting on the floor and looking at Jungkook and both had such a beautiful smile ;; And it was so quiet and suddenly taehyung screamed MAKE SOOMEEEEE NOOOISE and you heard a loud ‘’Bultaoreune’’ and [closed] they did the 3:33 [username himenation more closed]. their energy was mind-blowing! Especially Jimins! and suddenLY BAEPSAE CAME AN I REALY LOVE THIS SONG (they were A LOT less wild and less hoe-ing than in USA, they did baepsae how they always did it lol). but everyone jumped away from the stage to give Jhope is part anD DAMN JHOOOOOPEEEE. After BAEPSAE they dID DOPE GUYS!!!!!!!! and jungkook did the choreo while sitting, oh god I love bts so much man

Concert part 2 After DOPE they did AIRPLANE PT 2. And I havent mentioned yet how gorgeous they looked, but especially Jin! He was wearing this oversized holographic-ish shirt but looked so amazing and the namjin part [ooof], jin also accidentally exposed his abs lol (Issa win for the kimseokjinstans), but also the yoongmin part, the dance EVERYTHING! 

And... singularity came, guys.... taehyung is my bias, but he wrecked me so much this whole concert, ive been sobbing man, this man is so perfect ;; the way he sings it, his voice, dance, aura, his visuals, all A+ After singularity they did the rock version of Fake Love and they were wearing this black outfit, with lots of mesh, leather etc They looked so OOF. But the funniest part was everyone chanting I DONT KNOW NAN MOLLA (its not even part of the fanchant HAAHHA). and then finally! MR YOONGIS SOLO! MY FAV RAPPERS SOLO! He was on a table, but he was performing like he was on a seesaw (the meaning of the song is past-present though) but IT WAS SO GOOD!!! and now we were about to go emo, because jin started his solo on a piano ;; his mic didn't work properly in the beginning so the fans started to sing for him, but after one-two sentences he got his mic back and he continued and the song was so beautiful I got so teary ;; And then we had the truth untold, in other words the superior song by the vocal line ever. It was.... so...... beautiful.......... taehyung and jimin both changed their notes, which made this song more memorable. Jimin was crying though (and I think taehyung a bit too) it gave the performance such an amazing touch; how they were able to sing with such emotions. Jungkooks mic didn't work In the beginning either, so we sang for him! I was such a mess I was feeling so emotional ;;;;;;;;; im so glad TEAR was up next because rapline POPPED OFF AND CAME FOR OUR WIGS AND EVERYONE. IT WAS SO GOOD! The whole venue turned black, with greenlights and laser OH GOD and oh my god oh my god the raps oh my god. And now MIC DROP REMIX CAME UP INCLUDING THE DANCE BREAK KJFKSJDKSJKFSJJFKS jungkook didn't participate but wow THIS SONG AND THE FANCHANTS??!! THE Bodyrolls were so cool, taehyung came for my wig! 

ENCORE They all came in blue pants and their white t-shirt. Jimin also had a cap on! they all looked so handsome omg (when do they not!?) But when they sung SO WHAT, I burst into tears because I realised it was about to end ;; Jin was being very very very wild with a towel, did the shoot dance with jungkook (yes he tried to!!!) jin and taehyung did their part again, and taehyung was wearing an orange hairband (on purpose) and playing with it ;^; During anpanman taehyung was holding jungkook and singing his part, then jin came running towards jungkook and was dancing very wildly he fell on the grOUND KFJKFSKJ also our president came to jungkook too and pat his shoulders ;;; jimin gave his cap to jungkook OOOF SO MANY INTERACTIONS!!!!! and lastly... LOVE MYSELF, I cried so hard, during this song I couldn't even breathe. its one of the most beautiful songs ive ever heard and hearing those voice and message coming from bangtan really made me cry. They mean so much to me. The VMIN part had me on the floor, I couldn't handle it anymore and my friend started hugging me :( 

LAST MC Yoongi said he loved Amsterdam a lot and it was so far one of the best concerts they ever had. We were so loud! They also admitted they wanted to come here last year, but it got cancelled and they feel sorry they couldn't do a 2nd date here, but theyre coming back next year! Jhope also talked how he was sightseeing with taehyung and jungkook talked that he was thinking about things a lot lately. Jimin was being the cutie again and was copying fans, but he called us his presents too :(( Jin also talked dutch but I couldn't really understand HAHAH but then Jhope wanted say goodbye (doei) and he kept saying DOEI, DOEIDOEI, DDDDOEEII, DOEIDOEIDOEI, DOEEEEEII, DDDDOEEEI and made it sound like a sound effect and bangtan followed and they were laughing so much :’)

Jiminbar (a fansite) turned zing into jimin by advertising his birthday!! ooof the banner and the whole venue looked GREAT! 

I really loved the concert so much, and I miss them so much. I cant wait to see them again :(( theyre such great human beings, bless them T_T They know how to perform! Their vocals and dance moves are a whole another level, and if you think they sound good on CD? bish get ready for hearing it live, because it sounds so much better!!!! Im going to miss them so much, but thank you Jin, Yoongi, Namjoon, Jhope, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook for being in my life, changing it for the better, cheering me up, having good music and being such great humble human beings <3 I love you guys so much. See you next time <3